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After a day of mixed feelings, this is exactly how I feel:

"She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second."

Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

Our time together is like a movie, laughing and floating with joy. Usually I find this to be enough, but lately we've been preoccupied with our own issues. My mind is somewhere else and for the first time I find myself wanting more. But more what? More of his attention? More of his support? I'm not sure what it is and that is why I couldn't say anything. I could not organize my thoughts to say what I'm feeling and I tried very hard to put on the face that nothing is wrong. I guess it's to buy me some time until I figure out what more I want.

One of those days...

I'm having one of those days that just started off completely wrong and progressively kept getting worse, or maybe it was my mood that just got worse.

So I've been having trouble sleeping. You know that deep sleep, yeah I definitely miss that feeling. This has been going on for about a week and a half now and it's annoying to say the least. After I finally fell asleep last night (more like this morning at 4 a.m.) I am woken up at 7:50a.m. by the sound of a cement wall being torn down. My luck has it that this wall is on the other side of my bedroom wall so it sounds as if the construction workers are in my room. In essence I kiss going back to sleep goodbye.

I decide to stay in bed and give my body a rest when that special person in my life decides to call me, not really in the happy awake mood yet but somehow I'm able to sustain a short conversation. We talk about meeting up today which puts a smile of my face and now I'm thinking this might be an okay day after all. (haha joke was on me)

I go for my workout, come back, shower and get dressed only to have soup spilled on me. (fun times) Followed by a call saying we can't meet up today because something unexpected came up at work. I realize my mood progressively getting worse. Now I've reached a point that I just want to get away from a while. You know that scene from Forrest Gump when he just ran.

That's pretty much how I feel. It's not just the little things that went on today. It's been building up. I'm frustrated with some things that are coming up and feel like I need my space to regroup and of course that's not happening.

Guys, please

Don't you hate it when you have that guy that won't take no for an answer?? Don't you hate it even more when you're being nice in the way you're turning him down and he still won't take no for an answer?? Or even worse when he starts sending you nonstop text messages that at first start off as sweet and then turn into Hello-I'm-Mr. Nasty. When did guys turn into needy, emotional wrecks that love to create drama?

The past is still trying and I wish I could feel the same way, but I don't and it makes me feel sad and guilty that I'm hurting someone's feelings. I know disclosing one's feelings is not easy and not getting the ideal response is just horrible. :-( I hope that he finds someone that will make him happy and appreciate him, but I'm not that girl. I have been trying to convey this to him but he won't listen and now he's turned into Mr. Nasty.

So a piece of advice to all guys out there, don't do this. If you like a girl and she's not ready to either start a relationship or resume one, just respect her decision. Don't send her annoying text messages that make her change her overall opinion of you. Be cool. Really just be cool. You'll gain her respect and admiration for your maturity and who knows she might realize that she's wrong and you really are a catch.

He said: I can see why he's doing this, it's like wanting a forbidden fruit.

She said: I hate it. Why can't he just respect my decision?

He said: I've realized that men see you as innocent and vulnerable, as an easy prey, but what they don't know is how strong you really are. You're friendly by nature and they see that as their opening.

Normal?

Sorry for disappearing for a while but I was out of town and spent most of the time running around like a headless chicken. It was suppose to be a sort of vacation, but of course it ended up being one of those vacations that you need another vacation afterwards to recuperate from.

One of the things during this lovely vacation is that I ran into my past. We went out for coffee and the awkwardness set in right away. It was tough to sustain a conversation and it made me wonder how much I have changed in the past 5 months. The topic of getting being together was brought up, which was something I was trying very hard to side step. I just can't do it. I wish it were that easy, but it's not. There are too many differences to overlook.

That encounter just put a damper on my mood for a few days and it was followed by going to an engagement party. I have always loved my independence and knowing that I don't want to settle down for the sake of settling down, but because I reach a point where I don't want to live without that special person in my life. When I was looking around at the engagement party I got a little voice in my head ask me why I don't want the normal things that every girl in her mid-20s wants in life? Why am I not jumping with joy of the idea of marriage whenever it is brought up? This leads to the other question of why I'm not wanting to settle down to start a family as soon as possible? Am I living in a fairytale?

When the past asked why I didn't want to get married, I said it was because I liked my independence and that it's nice to know that I don't need to be taken care of, I can take care of myself. His response was what's wrong with you American girls? Is there something in the water there? This me wonder, what's wrong with not wanting to settle for the sake of settling down? What's wrong with trying to steer away from situations that you know will make you unhappy in the long term?

Had the Talk

We had the "talk" today where we discussed possibilities and how we wouldn't drift apart...ever.

I should feel good after a talk like that because we promised each other we wouldn't drift apart and we'd always find a way of seeing each other.

But why don't I feel good? Why do I still have doubts? Have I reached a point where I don't believe in happily-ever-afters?

Buyer's remorse

According to Wikipedia and Gerard Bell of the Journal of Marketing buyer's remorse is the sense of regret after having made a purchase. It is frequently associated with the purchase of big-ticket items such as a car or house. It may stem from a sense of not wishing to be wrong, of guilt over extravagance, or of suspecting having been "snowed" by a sales associate.

Is it possible to have buyer's remorse about certain aspects in a personal relationship? Sometimes I wonder about the relationship I am in and feel like I have buyer's remorse. I am happy most of the time but there are those times when I feel like I have woken up from the dream I've been living to a tough reality. When I think about it, it seems like if I end it that I'll feel the withdrawal/saddness of returning something because buyer's remorse set in.

In way you sometimes wish that you never saw whatever it is that you bought so that you wouldn't feel buyer's remorse and if you decide to return that item you don't feel sad afterwards.

Do you know what I mean?

He said: When you left today my heart sank.

She said: Really? Why do you say that?

He said: I don't know. When you said I hurt you I just felt my heart sink. I never want to hurt you, I would rather hurt myself than ever hurt you.

She said: Thank you for being you.

Sick....oh I forgot

Yes I'm still dealing with my stomach problems. Have had an endoscopy, colonoscopy, multiple rounds of blood tests and a chest x-ray done...to say the least it was not fun...Not to mention the different rounds of medications that the doctor keeps changing and the ridiculous list of foods not to eat...but the thing is when I see that special person I completely forget for those couple hours that I am sick.

Have you ever just sat and laughed so much that your stomach starts to hurt (not from my illness)? It brings the soul back to life and I think it's exactly what the doctor should prescribe.

He said: I feel like I have to protect you. You are my glass gift that I need to hold tightly and shield from everything.

She said: I wouldn't trust anyone else with it.