I knew it

I knew that my cloud 9 period would come to an end and that something annoying will happen.

So I decided to tell the bf (yes we're on break) my concerns which includes the following:

1. I don't feel that your siblings (2 older sisters) are in favor of us being together

2. When it comes to any disagreements you are unable to provide support or stay neutral, instead you add to the attack against me. (a wonderful feeling)

3. I don't really want to live in Egypt (I love to visit but not live)

Honesty in this case maybe wasn't the best policy because it unleashed negativity beyond my wildest imagination. So in the end it's over and all I can think to myself is that things happen for a reason and that it wasn't meant to be. He, on the other hand, is insisting on proving that I never loved him (class act).

When did guys become such drama queens???

Cloud 9

I know its been a while..but I've been on cloud 9 lately...it kind of makes me a little nervous because I feel like after a good period something bad usually happens to ruin it... :-/

Happy Eid

I hope everyone had a Happy Eid. I know it's a little late but things have been crazy lately, sorry.

I need a little help understanding something.

So as I wrote before the bf and I are taking a break. In my mind a break means some time off for each of us to recollect our thoughts, have some alone time, etc. Yes I initiated the break because that's exactly what I needed. I even went as far as saying my feelings haven't changed towards you, its just that I need to figure things out for myself.

So someone please explain to me why a few days ago he unleashed the monster in him. He went on that what I'm doing (taking the break) is not cool and that I must have found someone else. Since when did saying I need a break to figure out what I'm going to do in my life (i.e. how I'm going to achieve my goals/dreams) mean I found someone else?

In a way this break has shown me a side of him that I really don't like. Honestly if the situation was reversed I would have respected his wishes and remained confident that things will go back to normal because most couples go through this. I would have periodically checked up on him to make sure he was ok and kept the distance. Is that too much to ask?

Instead I get a phone call in the middle of the night saying if I really want to end it then I should just end it. Please keep in mind that I received this call while I had the flu and food poisoning but he just blew over the fact that I said I'm sick and can't have this conversation now. I would have thought that he would have asked to see if I was feeling better the next day, but the joke was on me. Instead I got a message implying that I shouldn't have said what I was feeling.

Am I the only one that thinks this is just getting worse?

Is this a sign?

So the bf and I are taking a break. I initiated it for a number of reasons.

One being is that I need to find my focus again which means I need to find my inner voice again. I don't want to be the kind of person that loses themselves when in a relationship. I don't want to give up on my dreams to goals to be in a relationship. Yes I'm sorry but I want it all a good relationship and remain on the path to achieving my dreams.

This is not to say that the bf was making me choose between him and my dreams but I felt like in a way I would have to give up on some things to make the relationship continue working. So this break is for me to think about things and weigh my priorities.

We've been on our break for about a week or so now and I feel differently. I can actually sleep, I feel like a kid again with endless possibilities and I'm gitty. Is this a sign?

Lack of sleep

I'm back to lack of sleep. I have such a hard time falling asleep even though I am tired. I just wish I could fix my sleeping schedule. I miss those days when I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow.

Seriously...why???

Why do guys have to complicate things???? Why can't they just enjoy the moment??

I go from mmmmm loving the moment to thinking ugh why did he have to ruin the moment?

Guys either ruin things by moving too fast or by asking too many questions. And they think girls complicate things...ha ha ha ha

mmmmm

We talk and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I can't help but smile.

I was feeling sleepy and then he called. We talked about everything and I found myself giggling throughout our conversation. I can hear a smile on his face. Now after hanging up I feel so awake and happy. He has a way of making me open up by feeling so safe.

Mmmm I can't wait until we talk again.

Uh-oh

So I have a little problem.........I can't remember something that I really need to remember.

This is what happened. I was sitting and talking with someone and the conversation went from one topic to another. We started talking about trust and how relationships are built. Apparently whatever I said this person thought was absolutely beautiful and for the life of me I can't remember what I said.

From what I gather is that I spoke from the heart and I didn't intellectualize things like I normally do. I am surprised and shocked that I can't remember the details of the conversation or what I said. Yes I was exhausted that day because I had only slept 3 hours but why can't I remember??

In general I am a very guarded person. I don't speak about my feelings but try to figure them out on my own (hence the crazy runs). I wish I had a tape in my brain that I could just rewind and hear what I said.

Ugh.

Such a good song.....Mary J. Blige - Each Tear ft. Jay Sean

Brain overload

Don't you hate it when you're tired and want to sleep but your brain won't give you the rest?

There's a lot on my mind lately but I can't seem to organize my thoughts. One of the things I've been thinking about is my last trip to see the bf. As much as I'd like to say I've moved past everything that happened, I haven't. The whole trip just left a bad taste in my mouth, so much so that my parents are going to visit and I'm not going with them. Usually I would have used their trip as a perfect excuse to go with them to see the bf, but I can't do it.

In my last post I shared my questions about a person and the package they come with and it got me thinking more about his package. If it were him and him alone I would feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He's a good person with a kind heart and is crazy about me, but the package causes drama (as seen during my last vacation) and problems/agruments arise between us because of that package.

So now I'm at a crossroads. Do I tell him honestly everything I don't like about the package even though I know it will upset him or do I use this time away and see if I feel differently?

Ugh, I'm the worst person at faking that everything is ok when there's something bothering me, but I hate the idea of upsetting him.

The more I think about things the more I realize that if he had just stuck up for me I probably wouldn't feel this way. One of these days I'll share the details of everything that happened during that trip, but for now I just wanted to vent a little. Sorry.

Wondering

So how do you know you're with the one?

Sometimes I feel like I've met the one and other times I find myself taking a couple steps back. Its not just about the person but the package that comes along with that person. Do you mesh with his family, friends, etc?

How do you know when to overlook things and focus on the big picture?

Needless to say I've spent a lot of time thinking about my last trip to see the bf and I'll be honest with all the drama that happened it has left a bad taste in my mouth.

So how do you know?

Today is not the day

So I have a deadline for something I've been working on today and of all the days...today I'm dealing with writer's block...seriously I keep staring at my computer screen and my notes but can't think of a way to converge the two together...uuuuuggggghhhhhhh

Why can't my brain have different switches that can just be turned on as needed..one would be eloquent writer for times like this..another would be master of words when it comes to responding to something someone really (rreeeaallllyyy) annoying just said..

Exhausted

Have you ever been too exhausted to do anything? I miss quality sleep and it's killing my energy level.

So You Think You Can Dance

Confession...So You Think You Can Dance is one of my guilty pleasures. My best friend and I back home used to get so excited when a new season of the show started. As we're watching we used to wish we were dancers. This is one of my favorites:

One Year

So yesterday was the one-year anniversary for me and the bf. When its time for guys to be really sweet they choose not to and when its not the time for them to be sweet cause you're really annoyed with them, they choose to be sweet.

The following is part of the conversation we had:

Him: so do you know what's so great about having you in my life

Me: what

Him: that i have found that special person i want to annoy for the rest of my life :D

Me: if it's a mattering of annoying i can nominate a lot of other people for you

Him: can you?

Me: if annoying is the goal

Him: you know how can i drive you nuts :D

Me: yes...mmmm that's almost all the time

Him: yeah riggggghttt....ana ghalbaaaaaaaaaaaan

Me: you're what?!?!?!?!?!? yeah and i'm mother theresa

The bf decides to be really really sweet the last time we fought as I was near tears and wanting to punch him...hit him...you get the idea...

And guys think girls are hard to figure out..ha ha ha ha

My favorite person

So the last day of my vacation that person decided to come over to see my mom and I before we traveled. I'll be honest that I was not looking forward to it given all the drama that this person created for me but I did what I always do when I'm not looking forward to something I make sure I look extra good. To me it's a way of forcing myself to brighten up my mood going in line with "look good to feel good" motto.

A couple minutes before their arrival (yes she and family) I freshened up and put on a green mini-dress which to be honest was accented with my last vacation's tan and runner legs. Since I'm not the type of person that will engage in a drama and emotional filled match of words, I give my jabs non verbally.

I tried very hard to be cordial by having a conversation with everyone and when it was time to say good bye I made a move over to give a kiss and sincere good bye. To my surprise I received a very very cold and unwanted move to say good bye topped with a very rude face that she thought I didn't see. The reason that I say surprise is because when anyone looks at the facts I was the one that was insulted and wronged, what's the reason for all these ill-feelings towards me. The surprise came again when my brother tells me to log into his facebook account to check things she's been writing about me. I was presented with rude stuff od which include the following written at various times:

I feel like slapping someone a big slap!!

Treat others the same way you want others to treat you!!!!

likes knowing that someone isn't going to be around anymore isn't nice. people leave and people change (that was posted after leaving my house).

Needless to say that a few days ago she nearly caused another ruffle between me and the bf. When do people realize that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and not try to throw blame on others? So I hope the sarcasm comes across in this entry's title.

Vacation?

So I'm back from what was suppose to be a vacation and I say suppose to be a vacation for the following reasons:

1. Got a cold

2. Got food poisoning

3. Strained my back and had limited mobility

4. Had to deal with the drama that this person created and is still creating

5. Had a lot of ups and downs with the bf...yes bf...back together (I'm a sucker for giving second chances)

6. Mom got the flu

I have so much to write about but now that I'm sitting in front of the computer my mind decides to draw a blank. Stay tuned. I promise I'll write about all the juicy details from my supposed vacation.

Rough

Today is a rough day. My mind keeps rehashing everything that happened and thinking how could someone do something like that? Or how can someone think like that? What happen to taking responsibility for each person's actions? Since when is it ok to throw blame around?

I would give anything to go home right now. I'd be so happy if I could just go to the airport and get the next flight home.

Sadly surprised

I've been in town to spend time with family and see the bf. Before coming I wasn't as excited as I usually was to come and I guess that feeling was foreshadowing what was to come. I am sad to say that this person has ruined my relationship with the bf.

As the chain of events took place I was sadly surprised to see that I was terribly mistaken in my expectations of what I partner should be. I thought that a partner sticks up for the other person instead of laying blame to the easiest scapegoat. I was also wrong to think that among extended family there’s suppose to be nothing but love and care for each other but I have come to realize that those in your extended family may be the only ones in your life that hold animosities. (yes that person is related to me)

In the next couple weeks I will be leaving again but this time I’ll be leaving with a feeling of emptiness and sadness. However, I have learned one thing that not everyone deserves a second chance because its as the saying goes, “Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me.”

I hope everyone is having a better ending to Ramadan. Best wishes to all.

That time again....

It's getting to be that time again when I have to pack and go see the bf...I will say that I'm excited to see him..but not that excited to see certain people...my trip means that I'll be seeing that person again and to be honest I'd rather not...but unfortunately there's no way around it........ugh

It seems like the days are taking forever to pass...and I'll admit that I'm not as excited as usual...I don't know what's wrong but if I could get out of going or if I could go somewhere else (like home) I would go in a heartbeat...is that bad???

In Bold

Saw this on Ze2red's post and thought would give it a try.

I am a cuddler.

I am a morning person.

I am an only child.

I am currently in my pajamas.

I am currently pregnant.

I am currently single.

I am currently suffering from a broken heart.

I am left handed.

I am married.

I am addicted to my myspace.

I am online 24/7, even as an away message.

I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.

I bite my nails.

I can be paranoid at times.

I don’t like anyone.

I enjoy country music.

I enjoy jazz music.

I enjoy smoothies.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I have a car.

I have a cell phone.

I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.

I have a hidden talent

I have a lot to learn

I have a pet.

I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl

I have all my grandparents

I have at least one brother

I have been to another country

I have been told that I am smart

I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor

I have OR HAD broken a bone

I have Caller I.D. on my phone.

I have changed a diaper

I have changed a lot over the past year.

I have done something illegal.

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color

I have had major/minor surgery.

I have killed another person

I have had my hair cut within the last week.

I have mood swings

I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

I have rejected someone before.

I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I have seen the television show The O.C.

I like Shakespeare.

I like the taste of blood.

I love to cook.

I like to sing. (only in the car)

I love Michael Jackson

I love sleeping.

I love to play computer games.

I love to shop.

I miss someone right now.

I own 100 CDs or more

I own and use a library card

I read books for pleasure in my spare time.

I sleep a lot during the day.

I strongly dislike math

I watch soap operas on a regular basis.

I will try almost anything once.

I work at a job that I enjoy.

I would classify myself as ghetto.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I am currently wearing socks.

I am tired.

I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.

I have had/have a broken heart

Graduated High School.

Smoked cigarettes.

Rode every ride at an amusement park.

Collected something really stupid.

Gone to a rock concert.

Helped someone.

Gone fishing.

Watched four movies in one night.

Gone long periods of time with out sleep.

Lied to someone.

Been dumped.

Failed a class.

Taken a college level course.

Been in a car accident.

Been in a tornado.

Watched someone die.

Been to a funeral.

Burned yourself. (accidentally)

Ran a marathon.

Your parents got divorced.

Cried yourself to sleep.

Spent over $200 in one day.

Flown on a plane.

Cheated on someone.

Been cheated on.

Written a 10 page letter.

Gone skiing.

Been sailing.

Cut yourself.

Had a best friend.

Lost someone you loved.

Shoplifted something.

Been to jail.

Had detention.

Skipped school.

Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.

Stolen books from the library.

Gone to a different country.

Dropped out of school.

Been in a mental hospital.

Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.

Had an online diary.

Fired a gun.

Gambled in a casino.

Had a yard sale.

Been in a school play.

Been fired from a job.

Taken a lie detector test.

Swam with dolphins.

Gone to sea world.

Attempted suicide.

Voted for Pop Idol.(Arabic Super Star or Star Academy)

Written poetry.

Read more than 20 books a year.

Gone to Europe.

Loved someone you couldn’t have.

Had surgery.

Had stitches.

Taken a taxi.

Seen the Washington Monument.

Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.

Had a drug or alcohol problem.

Been in a fist fight. (have a black belt)

Suffered any form of abuse.

Had a hamster.

Petted a wild animal.

Used a credit card.

Gone surfing in California.

Dyed your hair.

Got a tattoo.

Had something pierced.

Got straight A’s.

Your parents sent you to a shrink.

Been handcuffed.

Known someone with HIV or AIDS.

Taken pictures with a webcam.

Started a fire.

Had a party while your parents weren’t home.

Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.

Fake people

I have this thing...I hate fake people...I should probably explain what I mean exactly..

So I'm really bad at being fake around people I don't like..don't get me wrong I will always remain pleasant and diplomatic but I will not treat people I don't like or feel comfortable around the same way I treat those I care about...I feel bad being mean or rude to people I don't care...if you know me well you can tell that I don't like or feel comfortable about a person because I'm quiet whenever they're around and I try to keep my conversation short with them cause I'm afraid there's a big sign on my forehead that says, "I can't fake it...I don't like you..so please stop talking."

However, what I can't stand is when someone keeps going on and on about how they hate someone and then when they're with that person they act like BFFs...I'm in absolute shock that someone can fake is so well..and it leads me to start wondering about that person..if they're that good at faking it...what else could they possibly be faking??

Seriously why can't everyone just be honest to themselves? Isn't it a complete waste of energy to put on the fake BFF face? What's the point of it all?

Unwanted Information

Someone close to me put me in the most awkward situation. We went out together to catch up since I haven't seen her in a long time and a few minutes into our conversation she says she has something important to tell me and I can't tell anyone about it.....she's still dating her bf. Uuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh It's the same bf that we all hate and the same bf that caused her drama and the same bf who in many people's opinion is a gold digger with no manners. In my mind a voice was screaming "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

The evening progressively got worse. So after laying this awful news on me she decides to tell me while we're eating that he just messaged her and he's going to stop by to say hello. That's when my stomach did a back flip and I lost my appetite.

So the gross guy shows up with his ego the size of the world times 2. I'm trying my hardest to remain nice even though he does not deserve it. He starts talking and garbage came out of his mouth. For no reason he decides to insult me. You know those moments when your mind draws a blank from sheer surprise of what you just heard? I drew a blank and now as I think about it I have many perfect responses to his insults. Uuuggghhhh why can't I be rude to people that deserve it?

Now I'm stuck in a situation where I can't tell anyone that she's still dating that annoying-beyond-words individual and I know she needs to get out of that situation. Seriously I didn't want this piece of information and on top of it all I get insulted by this guy.

People get a sense of relief when they share their drama with others but the people that hear it are left with unwanted information and the burden of thinking how to act accordingly.

Ramadan

Happy Ramadan!

I was born and raised in the US and to me Ramadan is just another normal month minus the fact that I'm fasting. I've been living in the Middle East for a couple years now and I'm still not used to the fact that everyone makes a really big deal out of Ramadan. I thought Ramadan is suppose to be about simplicity but it seems like people are going the complete opposite to simplicity. It's all about the food and where to eat, in a way it's like a statement to society as to where you go out during Ramadan.

I don't really understand why people would want to work less hours during Ramadan. I'm used to staying to a normal schedule because it keeps me busy and the day goes by faster. In other words, I don't sit around doing nothing and thinking about how hungry I am, but I guess some people like to just sleep through the day and stay up at night.

In no way am I meaning to offend anyone, I'm still getting used to things.

Happy Ramadan to everyone!

Bucket list

One of the things that I have on my bucket list is to run a half marathon and then ease into a triathlon. So I figure there's no time like the present. Tomorrow will be the start of the training schedule and given the weather outside it will not be a walk in the park. This probably isn't the smartest time to start given that Ramadan is around the corner but I need something to keep me motivated right now.

I'm back...for real this time

Yes yes yes...I'm back for real this time. Vacation is over, back to reality and to me in a way my summer is already over. Now the hard part is to get back into the swing of things. Overall it was a good summer. My goal for the summer was to have fun and I think for the most part I achieved that.

My summer was pretty divided one part spent with my brother and friends, the other part spent with the bf, parents and extended family. This is the longest time I've ever spent with the bf. Yes a little less than a month may not seem long to everyone but for us that was long given our relationship has been long distance. I won't lie we had a couple ripples (aka fights) but we passed them and even though before I may have had a very small doubt if we would last after this vacation I know with no doubt at all that he's the only one that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have as my partner in the roller coaster ride called life. It's the first time in my life where I talked about marriage and didn't feel like I was looking for the first exit sign in sight.

For those who know me well know that I've always seen myself single not because I don't believe in relationships or in marriage but for a number of other reasons. One of which I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and where in the world I am going to settle down. I will admit I get bored easily and quickly so putting someone else through that was not something I wanted to do but the bf is, in the most indirect way, getting me to change my thoughts about settling down.

I know...

I know I pulled a disappearing act. Sorry but things have gotten crazy lately and a lot has happened. So saw the bf and it was perfect but too short as always. I finally took a vacation from work and went home. Home being the US. I'm glad to be back because I didn't realize how much I missed it here. The weather has been perfect although others have been complaining that it's too hot, but after coming from where I was living this is a walk-in-the-park.

I have finally gotten a chance to catch up on my workouts and with all my friends. I have seen friends that I haven't seen in over 5 years. I love how you can just pick up where you left off with close friends.

About a week ago I turned a year older, but not sure if a year wiser. I always remember Mark Twain's quote:

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."

Ugh

So the surprise is done. The bf was upset and I tried to cheer him up but nothing was working so my last resort was to tell him that I'm coming. That did the trick and he cheered up right away. But I tried to keep my arrival time a surprise in hopes of SOMETHING still being a surprise. Keeping my fingers crossed that it works! It was so cute he started laughing like a little kid that heard something amazing for the first time.

Now the excitement is killing me. I have a mental countdown going on and nothing to keep me busy. I finished packing really early and now I feel like I'm back in school staring at the clock for it to be time to go home but seems like the clock isn't moving. uuggghhh

Surprises

I'm the worst person at keeping surprises and its not because I can't keep a secret (I can) but its that I get so excited about seeing the person's reaction that I just can't wait. When it comes to birthdays I have to buy presents the day of the birthday because if I buy them earlier I want to give them to the person right away and see their face as they open them. It's the little kid in me. So I have a surprise I'm keeping from the bf and I'm DYING to tell him but I can't. You have no idea how hard it is for me to keep this. I've had to catch myself as I'm on the verge of telling him many times.

So this is how the surprise goes...the bf and I have a long distance relationship which means that we don't see each other but for a couple days every couple months. Now has been the longest since we've seen each other last (10 months to be exact) but we talk everyday and text all the time. Anyway, I'm going to see him in a month because I'll be in town for a wedding, but what he doesn't know is that I'm also flying in for a couple days next week (that's the surprise part). He thinks that my best friend needs to give him something so he can ship it to me, but I'll be the one there to meet him and not my best friend. I'm sooooo excited to see his face when he sees me and I can't wait. Why does a week feel like a year?

Itch

So I've been in the Middle East for a while now and it looks like I'm getting the itch to go home again. Home to me is the US. That's where I was born and lived most of my life. Things have been getting complicated and I feel like I just need to go home and regroup.

Work has officially become weird. One of my colleagues (a much older colleague) has been hitting on me and actually tried to move in for a kiss. I think I actually felt my skin crawl just at the idea that he was standing so close to me. I quickly moved and didn't have to be in an even worse situation. What was he thinking? He is double my age and has daughters my age!!!! I have made a point from the first day at work to wear nothing form fitting and nothing that shows skin. What more should I do? This is one of the downsides of being the only female.

I am hoping that I'll be able to go home and take a break to figure out my next move.

Insecure People

Men's Trip

California Baby

I received a call from my best friend today that she is planning on having her baby in Cali. I guess I should clarify that my friend lives in Cairo and she would like me to fly out with her to help her get settled in. I would love to be able to help her and be with her during this time because it's one of the milestones in life. The catch is that I would be there with her for about 3-4 weeks and the only thing keeping me from jumping up and down saying yes is......work. Isn't that awful? So I'm hoping that I will be able to make it out with her. Keeping fingers crossed.

Funk

I hate it when I have to write something and the words can not be captured on paper. I have suppose to write a speech for work and every time I sit to get started on it I draw a _________ blank. Yesterday I read a work related e-mail that I wrote and I honestly can't remember writing it.

My runs have been going badly. Yesterday's run felt like a new concept to my body. Since my runs are not great that means my sleeping crazy too. I've been having the weirdest dreams. Two nights ago I had a dream that I was being kidnapped and a couple nights earlier I had a dream that my boss tried to hold my hand (gag me).

Food tastes weird to me. I'm usually a food snob (must have been a snobby chef in a past life or something), but I'm not craving anything. Everything tastes the same to me.

So excuse the absence and the poorly written post above but hopefully I'll get out of this soon.

Men....

Comparing Art

Tonight I went to an art exhibit and was surprised that people were too busy checking out each other than looking at the art. I don't mean checking out as in guys checking out the girls and vice versa I mean women checking out other women. Comparing themselves to each other or in a way checking out the competition. I've seen this before many many many times and to this day I don't understand the point of it. Why compare yourself to someone else? What happen to I am who I am?

One of the things I hate is the female look over. For those of you who are unaware of the look over it's simple but fast and annoying. Women stand with their friends and while they are "talking" they causally look to their side or behind their friends and give the nearest woman a look from top to bottom. First takes a look at the hair and makeup and then quickly makes it down to check out the hand bag followed by the shoes. They don't try very hard to hide it while they're actually doing all this. I hate it so much. Honestly what's the point of it?

Starting over

So I've disappeared from the blogging world for a while (almost 3 years to be exact) but now I'm back because I miss the release. A lot has happened in the past 3 years and now I'm finally ready to take it all in and start over. I know it may sound weird that it took me 3 years to start again, but I've always been know to march to the beat of my own drum.