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After a day of mixed feelings, this is exactly how I feel:

"She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second."

Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

Our time together is like a movie, laughing and floating with joy. Usually I find this to be enough, but lately we've been preoccupied with our own issues. My mind is somewhere else and for the first time I find myself wanting more. But more what? More of his attention? More of his support? I'm not sure what it is and that is why I couldn't say anything. I could not organize my thoughts to say what I'm feeling and I tried very hard to put on the face that nothing is wrong. I guess it's to buy me some time until I figure out what more I want.

One of those days...

I'm having one of those days that just started off completely wrong and progressively kept getting worse, or maybe it was my mood that just got worse.

So I've been having trouble sleeping. You know that deep sleep, yeah I definitely miss that feeling. This has been going on for about a week and a half now and it's annoying to say the least. After I finally fell asleep last night (more like this morning at 4 a.m.) I am woken up at 7:50a.m. by the sound of a cement wall being torn down. My luck has it that this wall is on the other side of my bedroom wall so it sounds as if the construction workers are in my room. In essence I kiss going back to sleep goodbye.

I decide to stay in bed and give my body a rest when that special person in my life decides to call me, not really in the happy awake mood yet but somehow I'm able to sustain a short conversation. We talk about meeting up today which puts a smile of my face and now I'm thinking this might be an okay day after all. (haha joke was on me)

I go for my workout, come back, shower and get dressed only to have soup spilled on me. (fun times) Followed by a call saying we can't meet up today because something unexpected came up at work. I realize my mood progressively getting worse. Now I've reached a point that I just want to get away from a while. You know that scene from Forrest Gump when he just ran.

That's pretty much how I feel. It's not just the little things that went on today. It's been building up. I'm frustrated with some things that are coming up and feel like I need my space to regroup and of course that's not happening.

Guys, please

Don't you hate it when you have that guy that won't take no for an answer?? Don't you hate it even more when you're being nice in the way you're turning him down and he still won't take no for an answer?? Or even worse when he starts sending you nonstop text messages that at first start off as sweet and then turn into Hello-I'm-Mr. Nasty. When did guys turn into needy, emotional wrecks that love to create drama?

The past is still trying and I wish I could feel the same way, but I don't and it makes me feel sad and guilty that I'm hurting someone's feelings. I know disclosing one's feelings is not easy and not getting the ideal response is just horrible. :-( I hope that he finds someone that will make him happy and appreciate him, but I'm not that girl. I have been trying to convey this to him but he won't listen and now he's turned into Mr. Nasty.

So a piece of advice to all guys out there, don't do this. If you like a girl and she's not ready to either start a relationship or resume one, just respect her decision. Don't send her annoying text messages that make her change her overall opinion of you. Be cool. Really just be cool. You'll gain her respect and admiration for your maturity and who knows she might realize that she's wrong and you really are a catch.

He said: I can see why he's doing this, it's like wanting a forbidden fruit.

She said: I hate it. Why can't he just respect my decision?

He said: I've realized that men see you as innocent and vulnerable, as an easy prey, but what they don't know is how strong you really are. You're friendly by nature and they see that as their opening.

Normal?

Sorry for disappearing for a while but I was out of town and spent most of the time running around like a headless chicken. It was suppose to be a sort of vacation, but of course it ended up being one of those vacations that you need another vacation afterwards to recuperate from.

One of the things during this lovely vacation is that I ran into my past. We went out for coffee and the awkwardness set in right away. It was tough to sustain a conversation and it made me wonder how much I have changed in the past 5 months. The topic of getting being together was brought up, which was something I was trying very hard to side step. I just can't do it. I wish it were that easy, but it's not. There are too many differences to overlook.

That encounter just put a damper on my mood for a few days and it was followed by going to an engagement party. I have always loved my independence and knowing that I don't want to settle down for the sake of settling down, but because I reach a point where I don't want to live without that special person in my life. When I was looking around at the engagement party I got a little voice in my head ask me why I don't want the normal things that every girl in her mid-20s wants in life? Why am I not jumping with joy of the idea of marriage whenever it is brought up? This leads to the other question of why I'm not wanting to settle down to start a family as soon as possible? Am I living in a fairytale?

When the past asked why I didn't want to get married, I said it was because I liked my independence and that it's nice to know that I don't need to be taken care of, I can take care of myself. His response was what's wrong with you American girls? Is there something in the water there? This me wonder, what's wrong with not wanting to settle for the sake of settling down? What's wrong with trying to steer away from situations that you know will make you unhappy in the long term?

Had the Talk

We had the "talk" today where we discussed possibilities and how we wouldn't drift apart...ever.

I should feel good after a talk like that because we promised each other we wouldn't drift apart and we'd always find a way of seeing each other.

But why don't I feel good? Why do I still have doubts? Have I reached a point where I don't believe in happily-ever-afters?

Buyer's remorse

According to Wikipedia and Gerard Bell of the Journal of Marketing buyer's remorse is the sense of regret after having made a purchase. It is frequently associated with the purchase of big-ticket items such as a car or house. It may stem from a sense of not wishing to be wrong, of guilt over extravagance, or of suspecting having been "snowed" by a sales associate.

Is it possible to have buyer's remorse about certain aspects in a personal relationship? Sometimes I wonder about the relationship I am in and feel like I have buyer's remorse. I am happy most of the time but there are those times when I feel like I have woken up from the dream I've been living to a tough reality. When I think about it, it seems like if I end it that I'll feel the withdrawal/saddness of returning something because buyer's remorse set in.

In way you sometimes wish that you never saw whatever it is that you bought so that you wouldn't feel buyer's remorse and if you decide to return that item you don't feel sad afterwards.

Do you know what I mean?

He said: When you left today my heart sank.

She said: Really? Why do you say that?

He said: I don't know. When you said I hurt you I just felt my heart sink. I never want to hurt you, I would rather hurt myself than ever hurt you.

She said: Thank you for being you.

Sick....oh I forgot

Yes I'm still dealing with my stomach problems. Have had an endoscopy, colonoscopy, multiple rounds of blood tests and a chest x-ray done...to say the least it was not fun...Not to mention the different rounds of medications that the doctor keeps changing and the ridiculous list of foods not to eat...but the thing is when I see that special person I completely forget for those couple hours that I am sick.

Have you ever just sat and laughed so much that your stomach starts to hurt (not from my illness)? It brings the soul back to life and I think it's exactly what the doctor should prescribe.

He said: I feel like I have to protect you. You are my glass gift that I need to hold tightly and shield from everything.

She said: I wouldn't trust anyone else with it.

Disappointed

How do you tell someone that you really care about that you're disappointed in them? How do you do it without hurting their feelings? How do you tell them that you needed them but couldn't turn to them? How do you tell them that today was the day to be the knight in shining armour you have known them to be?

Do knight in shining armours still exist? Is there a man out there that is capable of being one?

He said: What's wrong? You don't sound yourself.

She said: I'm fine (trying to hold back tears)

He said: No, I've never heard you like this, what's wrong?

She said: Nothing, just having a bad day.

He said: Are you still not feeling well?

She said: A little. Just having one of those days when you want to get away from everything.

He said: Am I part of that everything?

She said: No

He said: I'll call to see how long my flight will be delayed for and see if I can see you before it.

Few minutes later...

He said: My flight is delayed for a couple hours, but I have to go to dinner with a colleague. I promise tomorrow I'll cheer you up.

Not to worry

Do you have a person in your life that means so much to you that you don't want to worry them? You care about them so much that you feel like worrying them hurts you inside.

I always thought that loving someone means that you want to share everything with them, but I've come to realize that you also become very protective of that person. In a way you want to make sure that they never feel bad, down or worried. Even though you know they will inevitable have bad days, you don't want to be the reason for it.

Do you know what I mean?

He said: How are you feeling?

She said: I'm ok (even though they both know she's not ok).

He said: Promise?

She said: Yes, it will pass and I'll be fine. Please don't worry.

He said: I worry only for you and I'm worried.

She said: Please don't (trying to sound as cheerful and normal as possible). I'll be fine.

He said: I know you're a strong girl.

New Find

Today I came across a refreshingly witty blog and as I was scrolling back up to the top of the page I noticed one of the best quotes I've read in a long time.

I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping in leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that love is the best calorie burner. I believe that happiest girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

- Audrey Hepburn

So thank you International Woman of Mystery for the nice escape. Sorry everyone still getting over this annoying stomach flu and so uninspired to write.

Autumn in January

I live in a country where it seems like it's summer year around but recently the weather has changed. For the first time in a long time it actually feels like autumn and it brings back great memories. I know it sounds weird autumn in January? But really it feels like a typical autumn day with clouds, a little rain and that quintessential autumn chill.

It reminds me of strolls in St-Germain accented with the smell of boulangeries filling the air and comfy autumn clothes, the staple scarf, softness of my favorite cashmere sweater, vintage jeans, ballet flats and the as needed jacket. Of course all those feelings and memories were magnified as I was browsing one of my favorite blogs today...The Sartorialist.

I'm still here, but my mind has been transported thousands of miles away to my favorite place.

He said: I would love to see Paris through your eyes.

She said: Paris is the only place that I felt at peace, a place that I can have for myself and you're the only person I've wanted to experience it with again.

One of those days...

So I've had the most annoying stomach flu since Saturday...so annoying that I've been on liquid only for most of the week..and I can't wait to get this over with...

It's funny how when you're sick you start craving the things you normally don't crave...for me a hamburger...:-/ no clue where that's coming from...

But I'm craving something else...an autumn day in new york city...just walking around with my headphones blasting tunes and spending the afternoon in an amazing bookstore followed by a stop at a gourmet store and just going back to my place and making something amazing to eat....then just curling up on the couch and watching one of my favorite movies...oh how I wish I could have that exact day right now...

He said: How about I get a place for you to escape to whenever you feel like you need to get away.

She said: Noooo don't do that...I'll be fine I just get that feeling sometimes...then it passes..

Hitch

Confession one of my favorite movies is Hitch.

Sara: What should we toast to?
Hitch: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

I hate it when..

I hate it when your favorite heels are not comfortable anymore. I usually wear heels even though to be honest I don't need it. I'm pretty tall as is but my dressy clothes all need heels so I'm forced to wear them. Today is one of those days when I hate heels. The part I hate the most is that I can't go running today because my heels just killed my feet.

How hard is it to make comfortable heels? If I could combine the support of my running shoes and the sleek look of my heels I would be in heaven.

What to do?

What do you do if someone very dear and close to you gives you advice to do one thing and your gut is telling you to do the opposite?

I would usually just follow my gut but I keep thinking it over. Honestly I would absolutely hate upsetting this person. They mean too much to me.

What to do?

Feeling..........weird

I don't know what's going on but I feel kind of down lately. I come home exhausted and feeling drained and the worst part of all I feel a little grumpy.

More and more I wish I had my own place. I've reached that point where I feel like I need my own place. Don't get my wrong I love my family but I've always been a pretty independent person that likes my space.

I feel like I have so much to get off my chest but when it comes time to talk or to even write my mind draws a blank.

Have you ever?

Last night I had a heart-to-heart with someone very dear and close to me. He shared with me somethings going on in his life and I reassured him that it doesn't change my opinion of him and honestly it doesn't. However, I woke up this morning and replayed the conversation in my head and I feel a little uneasy. It hasn't changed my opinion of him but I feel like I didn't have to know.

Have you ever been in a position where you don't know if you wanted the extra information or not?

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year!! May this year bring everyone happiness, health and prosperity.

I think this year I will do away with making resolutions except one which is living by Mark Twain's quote:

"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching and live like its heaven on earth."